What was I scared of?

 

I had the opportunity to sketch a naked man last night on Zoom.  It is what we do during these days of Covid- find ways to connect with people and challeng ourselves.  This one was Paula and Caran's idea.  I watched a young man take off his robe and choose a position he could hold for the next hour, under the close scrutiny of a group of women all watching him on their computers, from their homes.  An hour.  He hardly twitched- just stood there perfectly still, even in expression, while we studied him in enough detail to note the shadows between his fingers and the slope of his jaw, among other things.  How is that for grit?

Standing there naked in front of prying eyes.  I could never do that.  Or, could I? 

As people we are capable of so much more.   Given enough, encouragement, we can look intimidation right in the eye and just 'Man-up'- just do it. 

I am drawn to the NT, and chosen to spend a lot of time there, even up-ing the anti by working in remote schools.  It is a challenge I give to myself and it is always a challenge.

I once walked into a classroom, on the first day of school, to find the room dirty, disorganized and packed with large, intimidating teen-aged students. There were just thirty-two desks in the room and they were all claimed.  More young bodies lined the walls, draped themselves on available bookshelves as well as the teacher's desk.  A group of girls, had spread themselves out on a stained area carpet on the floor.

It was a full house.  

Then, when I thought not another person could possibly fit into the space, another squirming young man, in the grip of a grandmother, auntie or the police , would be thrust through the door in a cloud of  Indigenous obscenities.

There were no books on the shelves, just rubbish- bits of paper, broken pieces of games, random computer parts, pencils, rulers- all items that were being worked into weapons to poke someone or craft into launching devices or create rude noises. I knew none of them.  They didn’t know me.

How could I possibly settle this many Indigenous teenagers with the space and tools provided?  What could I possibly offer them.  Where was I to  begin?  I were in a battlefield with walls, with absolutely nothing to defend myself.   

I could feel their gaze on me and they decided weather to attack or retreat.  It could go badly.  

And I was naked- metaphorically of course.

Some of these kids had never been school before. Others had, and it hadn't been good.  It was part of the culture to expect school to be painful, something they must do, not go into voluntarily- they would most certainly rather be fishing, or playing video games. 

But with all the chaos around me it came to my attention that I was not being hit, or attacked- I seemed to have a protective bubble around me. These children were just as scared as I was.

Fear is physical.  It releases stress hormones, raises blood pressure and heart rate.  The cerebral cortex begins to shut down.  And, fear is contagious.  But, it can also keep us safe and act as a signal to do something.

So.. I took a breath, leaned into my fear,  sat down on the floor in my invisible bubble, and pulled out the ragged Dr. Seuss book I carried everywhere with me.  I began to quietly read and it was then that the magic began to happen.  Slowly, one by one,  these rather large frightening beasts settled in around me to listen.  It was 'The Pants.' -The pants with Nobody Inside Them that I started with.  

And it got a little quieter.. just a bit.  Then as the main character crept out from where he had been hiding in the brickel bushes, things started to lighten up.  The electricity in the air softened and when I was finished, someone said "Can you read it again?" And this time, show us the pictures.   

We were all like the characters in that story – 'I was just as strange to them as they were strange to me' 

Everyone gets thrown a little by new situations or new people.  There are times when we stand naked in front of a crowd and it is up to us to follow through or put our clothes back on.  I had chosen to stand there, just as Jamie had chosen to model for us.  

Challenging yourself to do something that frightens you just a little bit can make you stronger, happier, prouder.  We seldom regret the challenges we give ourselves.  It gives us our memories and for me, it is what gives life its meaning, its richness- purpose.

I had 69 students that day, the most I ever had to deal with.  It proved to be a challenging year and there were lots of ups and downs, but I so enjoyed the ride. There were many more times when I felt naked, but I got myself through it, largely with the help of a lot of good literature.

Oh.. and I drew the lad.  It was challenging and I am not showing you.. that is not a challenge I am up for quite yet.  Well done Jamie!

 

https://purplepantsblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/the-pale-green-pants-by-dr-seuss/